Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for the outpour of love, support, and encouragement surrounding my breakup journey. I truly appreciate the messages, calls, and all other forms of outreach. I am so grateful that my candor and vulnerability have been inspiring to others. Being able to share myself with the hope that my story helps others is a way I’m finding peace throughout this process.
Three months after breaking up and two months after my ex moved out, I'm finding myself peeling a new layer of the breakup onion.
At this point now, I am working on releasing anger. Anger towards my ex and anger towards myself. The anger towards my ex because of the ways I was exploited and hurt, especially emotionally and financially. The anger towards myself because I allowed and/or enabled the bad behavior. Anger for not honoring myself and enforcing my boundaries out of fear I would lose his love. Anger for believing his words instead of his actions and choosing him over honoring my intuition. I am still carrying fear and shame surrounding this relationship and the events that occurred. Even releasing these podcast episodes has brought up challenging emotions and thoughts I’ve been sitting with and working through.
I’ve realized though, as uncomfortable as the anger is, I need to feel it. I suppressed it for so long or it was overridden because of fear; now, it’s all bubbling up and asking to be acknowledged. I’m trying my best to embrace the anger and listen to what it’s trying to say. Anger is an advocate-emotion and it’s my soul’s way of saying: “Yeah, that crap you experienced? You’re never going to let that happen again.” So, thank you, Anger. I won’t forget your lessons.
I have been a bit distracted, gratefully, as on the same day I recorded Part One, I was blessed with my new kitten, Lucy: a one-eyed, four-week-old, sickly, abandoned kitten.
She came into my world one month to the day of my ex moving out. It feels like Divine timing in many ways. Nursing her back to health has been an incredibly fulfilling process and having her playful energy in my house has breathed new life into the space I used to share with my ex. I feel as if healing her is healing me too. I am also incredibly grateful to be investing in my relationships with my family and friends. Spending time with my parents, girlfriends, and other relatives has been nourishing for my soul on many levels.
Most of all, I am proud of rebuilding the relationship with myself. Through pushing myself to try new things, meet new people, expand my horizons, I am learning about my capabilities, boundaries, strength, desires, and more.
I’m growing, yes; however, I feel like my growth is occurring through shedding everything that isn’t me. I’m shedding the beliefs, thoughts, and feelings that aren’t authentic to me and tuning out the noise of anyone & anything distracting from my healing. It’s almost as if God has placed a huge filter over my reality; I’m purifying my life and becoming my truest self again. I’m more protective over my time, energy, space, emotions, and more.
I still have moments of grief, sadness, fear, and anger and that’s okay. I’m not expecting everything to be perfect or healed overnight. Coincidentally, my understanding of duality is also transforming: the light existing within the dark; the dark existing within the light; both light and dark coexisting at the same time as well as within. When I do have moments of darkness come over me, I try my best to remember the light is also present. In moments where I’m feeling sentimental or I begin reviewing past moments with rose-colored glasses, the darkness comes to my aid, keeping me grounded in reality. The two work hand in hand. There is value in both.
A budding sense of optimism inside my heart is guiding me through this entire journey. By surrendering to my Higher Power, I had a strange serenity wash over me. I realized: I didn’t need to try and control things anymore. I didn’t need to work hard, do more, stress, hurt, or be anyone other than myself. I was exhausted and broken hearted, but I finally believed I didn’t have to live in that dark space, trying to convince myself that by doing so, I was loving someone unconditionally. If loving myself makes me lose someone, they aren’t really a loss but a barrier to my self-love. Truly loving someone, and ourselves, sometimes means letting them go. By accepting my worth and allowing myself to be loved by me again, I have all I need to move forward.
When breaking up with my ex, I kept feeling this message in my mind repeating: “It’s okay. You don’t have to hurt anymore. Better things are coming.” I clung to that message through the painful process and I am still clinging. Thankfully, I’ve been noticing as I continue to honor myself, blessings keep coming my way. Better things are certainly coming. Better things are already here. I’m grateful.
With love,
Savannah
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